Self-Esteem Comes from Self-Sufficiency, Not Praise

The previous generation of parenting experts created the impression that self-esteem is something adults bestow on children by giving them lots of attention and praise. The more of those things you give your kids, the experts said, the better they will feel about themselves and the better their self-esteem (read: the happier they) will be.

In effect, the experts implied that any parental decision that made a child unhappy was likely to result in loss of self-esteem. So, wanting only the best for their children, American parents dedicated themselves to making, and keeping their children happy. In the process, the unintentionally damaged their children's self-esteem.

Self-esteem is not something bestowed upon children. It is something children work toward and discover for themselves. It is earned, as are all valuable things. It does not grow in proportion to the amount of effort parents put into praising children or giving them attention. It grows as children learn to do for themselves.

Children develop self-esteem not by virtue of having parents who dedicate themselves to keeping them happy, but courtesy of parents who create circumstances that enable children to discover and develop the wherewithal to keep themselves happy.

Self-esteem is synonymous with self-sufficiency, the ability to stand on one's own two feet. Self-sufficient individuals assume responsibility for their own happiness.

To develop self-esteem/self-sufficiency, a child must have the freedom to make that discovery. As in all discoveries, there are trials, hardships and uncertainties inherent to this quest. Each test strengthens a skill the child will need to complete his journey. Among them are initiative, resourcefulness, perseverance and an acceptance and love of others.

For a child to acquire these skills, he must have parents who rear him within circumstances that mirror reality and help him divest of his self-centeredness.

Reality is this: You can't get something for nothing. The Beatles said it this way: "In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." The Rolling Stones said it this way: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need."